Hey everyone you probably forgot that I existed. Life has been going, I have been working and going to college 24/7 and have had like no time to work on my blog or photography and I’m trying to get back into it. I met a guy at my job that respects me and treats me well, I haven’t talked to him in a few days so I hope all is well. I still notice myself stressing over small things like that, and worrying everyone hates me. So honestly not much has changed. But if you still follow me then cheers to you🥂
Okay so love is a very touchy subject for me. I have never been in love, and it’s hard for me to trust and enjoy people’s company.
I have only been in one relationship that basically went down into flames.
I’m not one of those girls that has a new boyfriend every month. I am very picky and I know what I want.
I was on my way to work today with my grandmother and I was telling her how I’m extremely bored lately.
And she said “It would be nice if you go the movies, not necessarily with a guy but with some friends. But a guy would be nice.” then she added “He will come eventually though.”
That got to me a little bit. My mom always told me that the right guy will come and that I’m smart for not having a boyfriend.
I have been putting so much pressure on myself trying to meet new guys and talk to them but none have made an impression on me.
And she made me almost kind of feel bad about myself because I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have many friends like my cousins.
Two of my cousins go to huge colleges and are always hanging out with friends, both have had long term boyfriends.
And I feel like I’m constantly being compared to them.
I’m not about to hop into a relationship with some random person, I need to find the right one.
Part of me wants to just give up and let the guy come to me.
Then the other half of me wants to put myself out there and talk to people, which I have been doing but no one has really interested me.
Most guys always end up being friends because I don’t see them that way. It’s pretty aggravating.
I know it will happen eventually, but what if it doesn’t?
I’ll probably end up living in an apartment with my cat.
So after 600 applications I finally got a job.
*sigh* I hate to be that person but this is one of the jobs I did not really want.
I am grateful to finally have a way to get money and have a life outside of school and doing nothing.
But it’s just not something I really want to do.
I have to work in a bakery of a grocery store.
I am terrible at baking, I constantly burn myself and burn any food in sight.
At my last job I still have a scar where I burned myself on a fry basket.
I don’t like to deal with food because I just know I’m not into it and it’s just not what I wanted to do.
I really wanted the cashier job but everyone told me to do this and at least try it out for a bit.
They are already putting me on the for 8 hour days and I haven’t even started yet.
Plus I have college and I can’t work every single day of the week.
I’m honestly not looking forward to it, I’m going to deal with it so I can get some money for things that I need but it’s just ugh.
I hate to sound ungrateful because I have been trying to find a job for months.
But it’s just I don’t want to be unhappy with something, especially when I deal with being unhappy on a daily basis already.
So yeah sorry about the rant I thought I would update you, I start in a few days so I’ll make sure to update you guys on how it was.
I think we can agree one of the worse feelings in the world is having your heart physically hurt.
Whether it’s a breakup or something more serious, that feeling is the worst.
Or even the feeling of your heart dropping it like it’s hot to your stomach. That feeling is horrible.
Dealing with anxiety my chest and heart hurt a lot.
But last night something happened that shaped my day today.
I had a dream about something that I consider one of my worst nightmares. It involves someone close to me and other stuff. It’s hard to explain but it’s kind of private.
This dream was EXTREMELY vivid.
And I mean extremely x100000.
I remember crying in my dream multiple times, running away from the situation and it all felt so realistic. I woke up today with a complete anxiety attack, my chest felt like it was going to burst. I had this anxiety THE ENTIRE day, and I still do even though it’s almost midnight.
Now if I told you the dream you would think it was stupid as hell to be stressing over. And I kinda agree but my subconscious begs to differ. My subconscious has some major issues that it needs to resolve.
But the fact that a dream seemed so real that it physically hurt my heart in real life is crazy to me.
Sometimes I wish I could dive into my subconscious and see all of things that I dwell on that I don’t realize.
I swear if I wasn’t so into photography I would be a psychology major. I just have so many unanswered questions.
Phones are a serious addiction there is actual scientific proof that you can become addicted to your phone. And it’s extremely scary when you’re driving around and you see NO kids playing outside. It’s because they’re on their phone in the house or watching tv it’s sad. I played with dolls and toys for YEARS before I even thought about having a phone.
Now kids come out of the womb with phones I swear.
I’m not a hypocrite ok I have a phone addiction now but I’m not 5 years old.
So I decided to log what I did through the day and see how much time I spent on my phone.
* The morning*
*Wakes up and checks messages.*
*Responds to messages*
Makes lunch around 12:30
*Goes outside for a bit*
*Watches YouTube on phone*
*sits on phone procrastinating until I decide to get up and do homework*
*uses phone as calculator for math*
*Almost crushes computer because math is a piece of shit*
*gets distracted by Spotify on my computer AND phone*
*Talks to mom for a bit*
*Finishes work and makes dinner*
*goes outside to take pictures*
*Does ab workout*
*Pulls muscle lays on the ground on my phone*
*Plays sims while checking messages*
*Watches tv with family, and tunes out to read messages on my phone and scroll through Instagram*
*Misses the last half of the show because of my phone*
*Should be going to sleep but I’m writing my blog ON MY PHONE*
There’s probably more moments that I missed. BUT THATS SAD.
In my defense I don’t really have much to do on the days I don’t have classes. I don’t have many friends so I can’t like go places every day. I don’t have a job. Like what am I supposed to do?
But yeah it’s sad how much time I spend on my phone and I want to fix it but it’s honestly really hard.
I challenge you guys to see how many times you check your phone in a day the results may surprise you x
Math is Hell and Hell is math.
I have been terrible at math ever since I was in like 1st grade.
I remember I could barely write numbers in 1st and second grade. I used to get pulled out of class for help and it didn’t help (how ironic)
My brain just never interprets it correctly. I could have a teacher sit down with me for an hour and explain it to me and I won’t remember it by the next day.
Or I do a problem and I’m constantly off by like 1 or two numbers and that is what’s happening right now.
I have spent 5+ hours on this one fraction section and I practiced over and over and over.
I took the practice test twice and failed. I literally gave up because I watched the tutorials my teacher gave me and I looked up help online and I get it but my answers are always “in the wrong form” or off by one.
It’s aggravating because I can’t fail this class because it’s college. I can’t afford to pay for it again.
And to make matters worse I have a test today that I have to get atleast an 85 on.
So far my highest score on the practice test is 66.7%,
I literally just want to throw my iPad across the room.
Why is math so complicated some people don’t have minds that can think that way.
If math was a person I would just punch them in the face.
Pray for me y’all.
Applying to jobs is a NIGHTMARE.
Literally I have probably applied to about 50+ jobs. And out of all of those jobs I got one job, that I quit a few months ago for reasons I don’t feel like explaining. If you want to read that click here.
So for all of your entertainment and hopefully you relate to this and I’m not the only one having this issue.
Here is my struggle with applying to jobs. In bitmoji’s.
1. I apply to 64737749393 jobs and feel so accomplished and content with myself…
2. To find out NONE OF THEM CALLED ME..
7. Then there’s the jobs that expect you to have like 3 years work experience..
22.You wonder what you did wrong.
If you made it this far Shout out to you! I appreciate you. If you have similar problems let me know so I feel less insane xx